This is the story of how one woman went from being the chick who dated any guy who wanted to date her…to being the chick who attracts the kind of men she wants to date.
This is how one woman learned her worth and how to be the chooser and not the chosen in the Dating Game.
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“You know I’m not going to sleep with you, right”?
Some things needed to be said. I was tired of dealing with men whose idea of a great first date was kicking it at my place or hanging out at theirs. And that’s what I thought was going to happen when Reggie invited me over to watch a movie.
I made the one-hour drive against my better judgment, and when all of his roommates made a beeline for the back door as soon as I walked through the front, I knew his plans included more than a movie. Granted, I was old enough to know better, but now I was mad as hell that he turned out to be just like the other men I knew. You know the ones who go on the prowl looking for women who don’t require much from them to get the booty. They’re always looking for a free ride, but Reggie learned the hard way that night that my first rule of dating is no free rides. And since I didn’t have any pleasure in helping him get the erection that was now pressing against my stomach when he hugged me, I told him he was going to have to get it down the same way he’d gotten it up–on his own. And I walked out the door.
But I couldn’t blame it all on him, because I played myself for a fool. I’d had enough dating experience and had gone on enough hell dates to know that “kicking it” and “hanging out” were a man’s way of saying that he’ll poke anything pokeable, especially if it’s free. In other words, had I been crazy enough to give my goodies to Reggie for nothing, he would have been smart enough to take them.
But nevertheless, I put myself in that predicament, and far too often, women make stupid dating choices out of fear of being called a tease or a bitch, and then blame the man for the outcome. But there comes a time in a woman’s life when she has to make a decision in a relationship that makes her happy, even if it makes the man mad. We can’t keep blaming our bad relationships with men on the ignorance of our youth or the people we did or didn’t have in our lives when we were growing up. As long as we blame our failed relationships on Daddy’s absence, the ways Mama didn’t protect us, or the men who hurt us, we will never have successful relationships. And I don’t say this to make light of any of these things, but I do know that the moment we decide to turn the mirror inward and choose to become whole, we will see a difference in the quality of our relationships.
Although I’m embarrassed to admit it now, Reggie was the type of man I was used to back then. But I’m reformed now, and the ladies reading this book will be, too, because they will learn that a man will only do what a woman allows. A woman who gives herself to a man, and never expects anything in return, will get everything that she bargained for–nothing. And then that same man will turn around and give his time, love, money and last name to another woman simply because she required more of him. So the first order of business will be to understand that a quality man will put in quality work to get a quality woman. (Now for all of you women who give your all to a man, and never expect or get anything in return, and then develop a moral code when you see a kept woman–”I ain’t no ho,” you say–please know that the immorality is in the sex act, and not the exchange of funds. So stop making excuses for doing charity work.)
Life is about choices, and at some point we have to take ownership of the bad ones we make, and then make better ones. Such was the case when I came to my senses and stopped dating men like Reggie. I was tired of whining and complaining to whoever would listen about how sorry men are, and how they would ask me out on a date, and then call the night before, offering to come over and give me a massage or cook for us instead. And then I got the relationship advice that would forever change the way I approach dating.
I was on the phone with my aunt one Saturday night complaining about how no-good men are. I expected her to take my side and agree that all men are dogs, but she said, “Lisa, if you want a man who will take you out on a date, stop wasting time with the ones who won’t. And stop justifying why you’re hanging out with men who are everything you don’t want.” I was shocked, because her advice blindsided me. I thought having standards and expectations of men would run them off, because they would see me as high maintenance and call me a gold digger. I know this may sound crazy, but I never required too much from men out of fear that I wouldn’t get one. So, I kept my expectations of men low, and then blamed them when they didn’t live up to what I wanted.
But what I discovered is that the ones who ran were the ones I wanted to go. And that’s how I went from being the chick that dated any guy who wanted to date me to the one who attracts men I want to date. I went from trying to upgrade, fix, and make a man into what I wanted him to be (that’s God’s job), to upgrading, fixing and making myself into the type of woman a quality man would be attracted to. I started by requiring more from myself, and that led to commanding more from any potential suitor. After that, I made a list of my non-negotiables, the things I won’t compromise on, and have stuck to them. And I haven’t hung out or kicked it with a man since.
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